Growing up as a young undiagnosed ADHD girl in the seventies, I sat quietly taking in the world around me. I felt out of place while watching the other children thrive and succeed in their friendships and in school. I made do for the most part and entered adulthood with a passion for telling stories. My lifelong habit of people-watching became one of my greatest tools in pursuing that goal.
Yet, being undiagnosed meant constantly wondering why I couldn’t keep track of things the way others did or stick to a career like my friends. This feeling of never being good enough or capable to pursue my writing dreams kept me small and hidden. I kept my stories to myself or shared them only with a select few, but they continued to come, persistent and unrelenting. One story, in particular, struck me around the age of thirty and has never left—a story about finding myself, woven with a literary adventure that might just bring humanity a little closer together.
Even with keeping my stories to myself or a chosen few, the stories still came. One in particular hit right around thirty and has not let up. The one about Finding myself mixed with a sidecar of a great literary adventure that just may help bring humanity together a little bit more than it was yesterday. .
The Five Stages of Grief After Diagnosis
Learning about my ADHD at the age of fifty-two, with the subsequent series of emotions that come has been monumental in how I walk the world. I experienced the five stages of grief. Grieving for the life I could have had if I had known sooner
● Denial- How could I have successfully raised two children and run a household with this brain of mine? Maybe I don’t have it after all.
● Anger- How would my life have been different if only I would have known? Everything would have been different if I knew and could get some help with this!
● Bargaining- Maybe it has really only been such a problem since entering perimenopause when everything else goes to hell in a handbasket?
● Depression- Feeling every bit of the lost potential of what might have been different. I could have been a more competent writer, I could have staved off multiple bouts of antidepressants if I understood what I had been struggling with. My relationships might have been different.
● Acceptance- It is what it is. I know now and can make different choices. Medicate or not, and also choose to not put myself into situations I know will be challenging. Prioritizing myself for once.
Unmasking and Embracing My True Self
I came to understand that I had spent a lifetime masking my authentic self in order to have my brain, thoughts and behaviors fit into whatever social landscape I was sitting in. I’d kept my interests to myself so others didn’t think I was weird. I didn’t share or leave an event if I was overwhelmed. I just suffered in silence, believing that there was something wrong with me- maybe I wasn’t smart enough, maybe I wasn’t driven enough or maybe I was just plain lazy.
These self-doubts wore on me until finally the answer came. My diagnosis was liberating.I am grateful to have discovered this about myself and to have the second half of my life be different. I choose the people I spend time with in order to my true self. I finally advocate for me.
The discovery came when I sat down and listened- to myself, to others, and to the countless stories of people whose experiences mirrored mine. As is true with everything, a burden shared becomes smaller to bear. Maybe I am not as alone as I think I am?
Finding Strength in My Story
I think this story came and stuck with me because it is so different.. It is layered, filled with diverse characters and complex histories—just like my life. . It was about remembering the people that had shown up in my life and how it is the people you surround yourself with who helped sculpt you into who you ultimately become. Through it all, I documented my journey in journals filled with self-doubt, frustration, and ultimately, growth.
Utilizing different fonts and type sets helped to accentuate the different braids of this story. As hard and as challenging as it has been to write five books and keep track of the details for the last twenty five years before the first book was published, I can be proud that I have stuck to it. I have never tired of writing this story.
Looking Forward
I share in further detail about my ADHD diagnosis and what steps came after for me in my fourth book in the Find Me- Extraordinary Life Seeker series.
This traveling book series is about one woman’s self discovery, her undying belief in humanity and the idea that if we as a people come together and honor our differences-we can do very big things. It’s important to celebrate our differences because that is what will help us all find ourselves and our place in this world. I am finally celebrating this unique brain of mine.
That’s a late diagnosis…but now you know and I can bet it WAS liberating!
Rebecca, That was a late diagnosis, but thank goodness you had it. It probably helped to answer many questions and put you on a path to understanding how to work with yourself and what you need and don’t need.