Is Social Connection Easy or Hard for You Over 50?

Social connection is a key to longevity among centenarians. Most of them have a circle of family and friends they see on a regular basis in person who support them. Friends on Facebook or Instagram don’t really count.  I admit staying connected with lifelong friends and family hasn’t been easy for me as I tend to be a loner.

Some of the people I know may not see me that way because I’m good at faking it. As an actor, I may appear to be an extrovert. Many actors are shy, like me. We can easily play a role on stage or have a big social media presence and appear to be more confident than we really are.

For years I hated the idea of marketing myself as an actor. The telephone was my enemy.  I forced myself to do it and had some success. I found a niche in voiceover playing little girls and it worked for me. It’s not that easy for me now because I’m almost 70 and still have a little girl voice. Casting directors don’t know what to do with me. There’s also more competition than when I was young because voice actors can work online.

Your past may inhibit your ability to connect

 I don’t know where my shyness came from because I had a happy childhood. However, I moved 28 times during my lifetime. My dad was a salesman and sold everything under the sun. We would live in a house for a couple of years and then pack up and move somewhere else for a new opportunity.

I went to five elementary schools. On the positive side, I became adaptable to change. Moving itself doesn’t bother me but leaving friends behind makes it easy to lose connection with them.

My family is also spread out all over the country and everyone is busy so we don’t connect as often as we should. We call each other on our birthdays, spend Thanksgiving together occasionally, and special family events. We get along great, but the distances and our busy lives make it difficult to stay in touch.

I’m not great at nurturing social connections. It’s nice to see everyone I’ve known through the years on Facebook but it’s non-committal.

I think of myself as an easygoing person who doesn’t sweat the small stuff even though I’ve dealt with some tough situations. I get along with almost everyone unless they are openly mean at which point, I’ll avoid them like the plague.

Deep social connection requires work and commitment

Many women I know have a large gaggle of girlfriends they connect with all the time. They go to lunch, share gossip, and talk for hours on the telephone. Some have lived in the same neighborhood all their lives, are connected through a church, or are just gregarious people magnets.

Others, like me, must work harder to stay connected. When my kids were in school, I attended every PTA meeting, oversaw nine silent auctions, was scorekeeper for softball and baseball, and went on Boy Scout camping trips. I also built a big team in a multi-level company I was part of, was President of Ambassadors at my Chamber of Commerce, was a Club President for an entrepreneurial organization, and still frequently go to Meetups to hang out with people who share my interests.  You would think I am a social butterfly.

I have a handful of good friends from those experiences but only see them occasionally.  Again, everyone is busy and there is distance between us that makes it hard to connect in person. There’s always an excuse, right?

Long-term relationships can cause social isolation

Some partners make it easy to build a social circle. They’re super social and fun to be around. But others may impede outside connections.

I was in two long-term relationships that were somewhat challenging in that regard. When my kids were young, my husband and I would get together with friends for kid’s parties, Boy Scout events, and softball/baseball tournaments.

He worked on films and was sometimes on location in other states or out of the country. While he was gone, I juggled working part-time as an actress while I took care of my kids and my house.  For some reason, he was never interested in our kids’ education and left it all up to me. Sadly, he got sick and died when both of our kids were pre-teens. His illness and the aftermath were overwhelming, and I got bogged down surviving which also caused a degree of social isolation from my friends.

My boyfriend of 15 years had a major drinking problem that I didn’t know about until after he moved in. It was hard to invite friends over because I never knew how he would behave. He wasn’t violent but got stupid drunk and was embarrassing to be around. We had fun times when he wasn’t drinking but I couldn’t depend on that. He also got sick and died.

A handful of good friends is just as good as a big circle of them

Now that all that drama is behind me, I’m living with two good friends.  We exercise together, go to yard sales, and have parties in the yard. It’s a very supportive environment. Still, most of the people that come over are their friends as mine live too far away. Hopefully, I’ll find new friends who live closer. It will take time. The pandemic isolation for 3 years didn’t help.

Shyness isn’t genetic

Despite the challenges me and my kids faced, they stayed in the same neighborhood for most of their childhood. Both have a large circle of friends and are highly sociable. Their preschool focused on socialization and creativity rather than academics, which may have been a contributing factor.

My daughter is excellent at keeping in touch with me and her friends. She pushes me to connect more. It’s been a little harder to stay in touch with my son as he joined the Air Force right after high school and doesn’t live nearby. He texts me when he can. His wife has a large and close family, and he also has many Air Force buddies.

I’m happy my social awkwardness didn’t rub off on them.

Having a support network of friends and family is important as we age

I know I need to work on getting out of my comfort zone and engaging more with family and friends. It’s easy to zone out on my computer and act like a fly on the wall.

How about you? Do you have a circle of friends you’re close to and who are supportive? Is it a big circle or a handful of friends? Have you felt isolated because of a spouse or partner relationship? Please leave a comment below.