It’s sometimes difficult being a positive life-affirming person when you’re cohabitating with an alcoholic who is bent on self-destruction and is trying to do their best to shorten their lifespan.
The suicide rate for Baby Boomers has risen significantly. But, in this post, I’m not talking about someone who has committed suicide or attempted it.
This post is about those who are subtly trying to take their own lives because of some type of substance abuse. Many Baby Boomers generation did drugs and abused alcohol during the ’60s and ’70s. Some even occasionally flew out of windows on LSD.
Unfortunately, many Baby Boomers are still abusing substances, having unsafe sex, or drinking themselves into a pickle. (literally)
I prefer to write positive, encouraging, and fun posts on this blog, but sometimes it’s important to discuss the struggles we all go through in life. They take a huge toll on us. So this time, I’m putting myself out there to talk about a topic that is near and dear to my heart.
I lived with an alcoholic who was bent on self-destruction.
There. My . . . gulp . . . admission has now been streamed into the blogosphere. Now, the entire world knows I’m not a perfect human being.
“What do you mean? He had the problem, not you.”
“Yeah, but I’m the one who managed to get stuck with it.”
I secretly called him Otis
If you came of age in the 1960’s you know who Otis was. He was that “funny” drunk Andy Griffith would put in jail at night so he wouldn’t hurt himself or harass his wife. I’m sure Otis’s wife appreciated having a break from his stinky boozy breath.
But, Andy would always release him after he sobered up and then he would get drunk again. Otis may have been funny but a real drunk is not so nice, especially if they’re driving on the road. I was the designated driver most of the time and secretly wished my Otis would get charged with a DUI as a wake-up call before he hurt someone else, or himself.
The reality of living with a drunk
You can’t help an alcoholic who’s choosing to die slowly on purpose. You have to focus on helping yourself instead and work to achieve your own happiness.
Alcoholics and other substance abusers must choose to help themselves. You can try throwing all the booze in the trash, but then you’ll find some hidden away in a closet.
Click here for steps on how to help a substance abuser find treatment.
I eventually gave up hiding his alcohol. I liked having a relaxing glass of wine once in a while and resented not being able to drink because he couldn’t control himself.
Fortunately for me, he wasn’t physically abusive, like some alcoholics are. If he was I would have left immediately. However, he could be mentally abusive when he was drunk and that takes a toll on anyone’s self-esteem after a while.
An alcoholic doesn’t know what drinking in moderation means. If you know someone who is still drinking like a 20-year-old frat boy at 50 + they won’t last long. Their only hope is to convince them to help themselves and go into rehab.
Diseases caused by heavy drinking include anemia, cancer, cardiovascular disease, cirrhosis, dementia, depression, seizures, gout, high blood pressure, infectious disease, nerve damage, and pancreatitis.
The substance abuser and you
In most cases, an alcoholic or substance abuser doesn’t think about the fact that someone else will have to care for them after their body breaks down. They’re in denial that they have a problem at all. As I said before, an alcoholic or anyone else with a substance dependency has to want to help themselves.
If you live with or know someone like that, how can you survive it without falling apart yourself? How is it affecting your life and your health? Is it stressing you out? Is it causing your anxiety?
Of course, it is.
If you let it, it can shorten your life because of the stress you have to endure dealing with it.
If this is you, you’re probably saying to yourself,
“What the hell is wrong with me? Why don’t I just leave and run away from this idiot?”
In my case, it was a financial issue. Life is complicated. I didn’t have a Plan B at the time and it was scary.
Instead, I focused on my health and happiness, even though his drinking problem was unbearable at times.
People are put through all sorts of challenges and they still manage to keep their sanity. If you’re in the midst of a difficult situation, you can overcome it too.
- focus on your own goals
- keep out of harm’s way
- remain positive
Still, you can’t just shove it under the rug and pretend it doesn’t exist. You have to take steps to find the best way to deal with it. It’s important to talk to someone you can trust or join a support group. Do what works for you. In my case, I attended a couple of “meetings” and found they weren’t for me. I preferred to work it out myself and did okay. But, that may not be right for you.
Don’t go into self-destruction mode yourself
You can overcome any challenge that comes your way. One thing they tell you at Al-Anon and other groups is to nurture your own happiness because there’s no reason you shouldn’t be able to live a happy and fulfilling life.
Update: My alcoholic finally died after a long battle with Pancreatic Cancer. I believe his condition was exacerbated by his alcoholism. It was a tough challenge for him and me, as his caregiver, to go through, but now I’m free to live life without that burden.
There were many good things I loved about him even though romantic love went out the window years before. Alcohol has a way of putting the kibosh on that too. Impotence is inevitable. We traveled, went to fun events, and had good times when he wasn’t drunk. But, the bad times outweighed the good and I wish I had been able to break away sooner for my sanity.
Alcoholics tend to have other addictions as I found out before and after he died. Addiction is a disease that must be treated and may be caused by something that happened in the past or is just part of an addict’s DNA.
I regret what I put my children through when they were living with us. Thankfully, both turned out fine and became successful. We all make mistakes but we can’t beat ourselves up about it.
I am looking forward to the life I deserve with lessons learned and hope, that if you are in the same situation, you will find happiness too.
Do you live with an alcoholic or addict? How are you coping with it? Please leave a comment below.
What a brave admission Rebecca! You help so many people by being so open and honest about you and your personal situation. I know you are on the track to becoming more independent and, perhaps one day, will be able to see a way forward. Thank you for sharing.
Thanks Gillian. I took a leap of faith posting this. I hope others will benefit from it. I definitely don’t admit to being perfect as no one is. We all have some baggage to deal with especially as we get older. I plan to overcome this and hope others will be able to as well.
Wow indeed, right out there for the world to see. Brave and I call that being a leader and one strong lady!
Thanks Darlene. It’s not always easy but challenges are meant to be overcome. Thanks for the support.
You did the right thing and are helping others. Nobody in their right mind would judge you. I’m a firm believer in removing the plank from one’s own eye first. It’s mostly true that you can’t help someone who doesn’t want to help themselves. It can be done sometimes by either helping them while they don’t know they’re being helped or forcing them to get help with the hope they’ll finally see the light.
Alcoholics have two problems: The one causing them to drink and two, the inability to stop once they become addicted. Each problem has to be treated differently. You can’t cure them unless you solve both problems.
I know this is a very late response but I just saw your comment. It must have slipped through. Great insights for those dealing with an alcoholic. Thank you for sharing this.
Thank you for sharing your story. My alcoholic seems to be determined to kill himself slowly, I luckily got away. I couldn’t sit and watch the chaos anymore. I’m much healthier and happier now. Your story is powerful and your honesty was brave. It really did help tonight to read someone else words that I can relate to. I hope you’re doing well.
Thanks for stopping by Cynthia. I’m so glad you were able to get away. It’s hard to see a loved one “killing themselves slowly” but it’s not worth having to suffer by watching it.