Debbie Weiss is a widow who was married for 32 years to the love of her life. He had been her one and only since high school but was diagnosed with cancer and succumbed. She had to start her life over at age fifty but had no idea how to start. Her book tells the story of how she found love after loss and her experiences dating online.
It is called “Available As Is: A Midlife Widow’s Search for Love” and its purpose is to help other widows find love again as she eventually did herself. Debbie also has an award-winning blog at DebbieWeissAuthor.com.
As a widow myself, I was eager to interview her for my YouTube channel.
Watch our interview
Click on the player below.
Debbie was a former lawyer from the Bay Area who spent much of her married life insulated in her happy relationship with her husband. They never had children and went everywhere together so their entire lives were each other.
She had known her husband George since she was 7 years old and started dating him when she was a high school senior, and he was a senior at UC Berkeley studying engineering. They lived together while she was in law school and were happy throughout their marriage until George was diagnosed with cancer in 2009 and their lives were turned upside down. They had a few good years together after that but in 2012, his cancer started to win. He passed away in April 2013.
I was married for 23 years when my husband passed away from cancer and was later in a long-term relationship with a boyfriend for 15 years who also died of cancer.
Turning her story into a book
Debbie had been a lawyer for 9 years but quit practicing when she was 40. When George passed, she had a lot of time on her hands. They had always done everything together so she felt lost. Writing had always been a passion, so she went back to a weekly writing class she had been taking before he got sick.
She got more serious about it and had written some vignettes, so she thought about putting them into a book. Most of the “Widow” books she had read didn’t address the desperation and horrible feelings of aloneness she was experiencing at her age so she felt there was a need for one.
When she started online dating it was so crazy and surreal that she wanted to include those stories in her book as well. She ultimately wanted to offer hope to other women because she knew the debilitating sadness will pass allowing them to have a good life.
As a blogger, I receive books to review but many are not all that interesting. Debbie’s book is very compelling and I became immersed in it. I felt myself reliving some of the emotions and experiences I also had as a widow.
We discussed the feelings of isolation, and emotions we both felt after our losses and the difficulties of caregiving. Watch our video interview to hear our stories.
Dating after loss
Debbie started online dating only 14 months after George’s death. The first app she used was JDate, which is a site for Jewish people. She thought it would be tamer than some of the bigger apps. The first 5 chapters of her book describe some of the messed up guys she met online. Many had Mommy issues or past relationships they couldn’t stop talking about. (She gives examples in our interview.)
She tried other dating apps like Tinder but didn’t have luck with that either. It’s difficult to connect with someone when you do not have a good sense of yourself and are still figuring out what type of relationship you want. One relationship she got into was emotionally abusive. She ultimately decided she wanted another long-term relationship rather than a casual one.
After five years of dating after her loss, she finally found someone. They’ve been together for five years and have moved into a new home.
Debbie’s tips for online dating
Debbie met the best people in her hiking groups because they were nice and liked nature. If you have a particular interest, you have a better chance of finding someone with similar interests. It also allows you to get on with your life whether a relationship develops or not.
Her favorite online dating app was Ok Cupid where she met her partner. It doesn’t ask a lot of “stupid” questions and people put more information about themselves on their profile. There were also more people in her local area to choose from and their interests were more in alignment with hers.
Some apps will have a picture of the guy who says he likes “mysteries and sunsets” which doesn’t give you an inkling of who he is. You don’t know if the has kids or what he is into.
Debbie had professional pictures taken so she didn’t have much of a problem with men who were looking for much younger women.
Wait until you’ve formed yourself as a new person. Debbie made the mistake of dating too soon when she didn’t really know who she was. For 32 years she had been “WE.”
Find who you are on your own so you can deal with any negative energy that comes your way as a result of your loss.
Do not put up with any crap. As women, we have been raised to be empathetic and kind, and not offend anyone. If a guy wants to stay, you can’t tell him he can stay for a little while. The answer must be “NO.” Many men are pushy, and you need the self-esteem and chutzpah to push back. You need a bullshit detector.
You can purchase Debbie’s book on Amazon, here.
It is also available at bookstores and the local library.
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